It's not good to be alone - three is OK
GENESIS 2:18-25
The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' for she was taken out of man”. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
What do these people have in common? They are all single – and several are hugely successful people.
Let's go on a journey of discovery about what the bible says about singleness.
Let's examine what it does mean.
God has created man and he is alone and this is not good. So God creates the animals one by one seeing if man can find one that solves this problem of being alone.
Adam probably didn’t take long deciding that the dolphin wasn’t going to be much good. Nice skin shame about the legs. Or the elephant, useful nose that but I don’t think you’ll fit in the lounge to watch Match of the Day. I wonder if he nearly chose the dog? If you want someone to be pleased to see you when you come home, get a dog.
But, no suitable helper is found from the animals so God creates another human from the first human. Problem solved.
But we tend to read this wrongly. Either romantically – when in fact it is functional. Or hierarchically – when in fact it is about companionship.
- Man being alone was not a loneliness problem it was a looking-after-the-garden problem. Tom Cruise is incomplete whereas Adam is saying, “help, I need some assistance with this garden.”
I can’t manage my hedge at home so I have a guy who comes and trims it regularly. He is my helper. And I am not married to him.
- The helper is not a subordinate but a companion. We have a history of thinking that women are somehow the follower/second-in-command. The word here means someone who stands there whilst you stand here and together you get on with something together.
It is most frequently used of God helping us. God is my helper, companion.
The joining together of man and woman is an obvious follow through to this (there were only two of them) but without the romantic and sentimental overtones we often give it.
We can’t live life on our own so God created each other and in our relationships with each other we find the means by which to do life. Sometimes that, for a period, includes marriage. But not always and not forever. Marriage is a special state in which to be – but so is singleness.
In this room there are lots of people who are married. There are also lots of people who are single: never married, divorced, bereaved.
Deep in our thinking is an assumed life story. It is one which persists despite evidence that it is not inevitable and despite the popular worldview of the post-modern independent:
- Enjoy the freedom of singleness
- Find Mr or Mrs Right
- Get married – solve companionship and sex problem
- Have kids – satisfy child-rearing desire
- Pay for a wedding and then babysit grandchildren
- Live happily ever after
For young single people that doesn’t register as a problem but if we are single into our 30’s the possibility that this may not be our life story begins to worry us;
As we get into our 40’s we have to come to terms with the likelihood that our life story will be different;
During middle age we settle to a single lifestyle and learn to handle the disappointment and awkwardness - whilst enjoying the freedom it brings;
Those who have been divorced or bereaved have lived the first part of the story but unless they re-marry the rest of their story doesn’t necessarily work out.
Jesus the single man
When Jesus talks about being born, about family, he changes the discussion.
John 3:5.
I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh but the Spirit gives birth to the spirit.
Jesus writes a different life story. He dismantles the traditional expectation that the story of God in our lives is the story of the family. He says that when His Spirit is given to each of us, when we get baptised, we become part of an eternal family, we become sons and daughters of God.
The true people of God are formed by spiritual regeneration not physical procreation. God’s family, the church, grows through people giving their lives to Jesus not through being born to Christian parents.
The Apostle Paul, also single, describes it like this,
1 Corinthians 4:14-16
My beloved children… even if you had ten thousand others to teach you about Christ, you have only one spiritual father. For I became your father in Christ Jesus when I preached the Good News to you.
Paul had many children and was a great father and yet he never married.
Jesus obviously approves of marriage and teaches about its importance. But he also makes it clear that it is not the be all and end all.
He says, “Those who give up family will be rewarded a hundredfold in the kingdom.” (Matthew 19:27-30)
And, “In the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” (Matthew 22:30)
When someone called out to him, “blessed is the womb that bore you” he replied, “blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it.” (Luke 11:27)
Jesus claims that the blessing of motherhood of God is not as high a calling as the obedient follower of Jesus.
Perhaps it is time to re-order our way of thinking!
What becomes clear as we examine the way the New Testament discusses marriage is that it can be a wonderful “state” in which to live. But that it is no more a blessing than to be in the state of singleness.
Marriage and family are of a temporary and secondary nature over against the eternal and primary nature of the church. (John Piper).
This is not to sweeten the pill for people who are single but a statement of fact. Marriage is a good thing but is a temporary thing. It is an institution for this world not for the new and eternal world to come.
Jesus’ primary call was for us to love one another – across all relationships. Jesus did not come to save the world to bring people into biological families. He came to call us into a new family in the Kingdom of God. A family where single people are fully-fledged members on a par with all others and where we all become fathers and mothers of an eternal kind.
What was life like for Jesus as a single man?
- Jesus desired to be married and to have sex but didn’t get either
We know he had these desires because we are told that Jesus was tempted in every way just as we are, that he understood and experienced a full spectrum of life.
It is never wrong to pray for a spouse and for children. Most of us want that (until you have a two year old lying on the supermarket floor kicking his legs and screaming so you can see his tonsils).
Jesus had to deal with a full range of appetites but only satisfied some. He went without food for 40 days in a denial of the appetite for food. He went through the pain of the cross in a denial of the appetite for escape and comfort. He went through life without marriage and thus denied his appetite for sex.
Sometimes part of the calling of being a follower of Jesus is to forego some appetites – whether we are married or not.
- There is nothing wrong with Jesus – just because he is singleJesus made a decision not to get married. Someone who is single may have made a similar decision. They may have decided not to marry someone unsuitable – a good decision.
Some people marry but make a poor decision. They may marry someone with whom they struggle to do life or for the wrong reasons.
Likewise marriage is not a reward from God, neither does singleness mean you are doing badly.
Being single is not a failing but an extraordinary calling – for a while if not for life – it is a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping obedience that many are to walk. It may not be a time to be pre-occupied by the search for a partner but it is always time to live out a life of following Jesus and pursuing his plan for your life with enthusiasm.
- Jesus did not have a special one, a Mrs Right.
There is no promise in the bible of there being a special one for you. In the West we suffer under an idealised romantic illusion that we will fall in love with the One and our emotions and physical attractions will magnetise us together for a lifetime of bliss.
It’s a fallacy in concept and in practice. Marriage can provide companionship and a safe environment for sex and family. But finding a suitable mate is about the availability of someone with whom you can forge a lifelong and intimate relationship.
God does not do it for us. He gives us the responsibility of making wise choices whilst calling us to remain passionately committed to him and his people.
Jesus did not find Mrs Right. He found his help, companionship and affirmation primarily from his heavenly Father and also from his family, disciples and close friends (Peter, James and John).
- Jesus was comforted because he was affirmed by God
Yes God wants to bless us with good things but our comfort derives from a rescued and restored relationship with him not from nicely arranging the furniture of our lives.
“Blessed are the sorrowful” said Jesus. There are times for misery. Times when we can realise and deal with an area of sin in our lives. Times to pray for another’s pain. Time to learn God’s eternal perspective for our lives.
Jesus experienced misery too. But he was comforted by the words God spoke to him at his baptism, “this is my Son and in him I am well pleased”. And God says the same to you.
As John writes, How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:1
Our comfort comes from being blessed by a restored, intimate, sustaining relationship with our creator God on whom we focus our attention and from whom we receive affirmation and love.
Because Jesus was single he could do some things and not others. Being single or being married both produce blessings and challenges. The issue is how you choose to react. What did Jesus do?
Things he couldn’t do:
- Have sex;
- Raise biological children of his own;
- Have someone for whom he was the most important person in the world - someone who would look after him when he was ill. Avoided co-dependency;
- Be assured of an exclusive long-term intimate companionship with a woman;
- Use the identity of marriage, “here’s my wife/husband”. He was fine saying, “I am single”.
Singleness was a blessing in that he could;
- Prioritise his own needs and preferences (going off on his own for some peace and quiet, choosing his own colour schemes, what to watch on tv, deciding on whether or not to have a dog);
- Spend his money on himself;
- Prioritise his own calling in life – not having to look after a wife or children first;
- Gain a name which is better than sons and daughters (Isaiah 56:5);
- Have many, many children – be a father/mother to many (1 Corinthians 4:14-16);
- Have an intimate relationship with God his Father and the Holy Spirit which wasn’t confused by intimacy with a woman.
Jesus the family man
How is Jesus’ family meant to do life together?
Genesis 2 shows us that we are not made to do life on our own.
At any particular point in time this church will be made up of a mixture of married and single people, some never married, others divorced or bereaved. We are all meant to do life together. In this spiritually regenerated family we can find companionship, help, friendship and support. Sometimes within that is marriage, sometimes it’s not.
Last week I watched Andrew Marr's documentary – Megacities.
Apparently, in Tokyo you can hire a friend. Because life is so atomised and independent people don’t have friends. So you can call up and order one to take to a party or business function. Nothing to do with sex.
We are called into a God’s different megacity – where we are given an eternal family and are commanded to loved one another.
By this will all men know that you are my disciples (part of my family, citizens of the kingdom of God), that you love one another. John 13:35
Here is my challenge to you whether you are single or married.
- Love the one you’re with. Just as in a biological family you can’t always choose who you are with but do choose to love and value them. Ask Jesus to give you his heart and eyes for others. Practice mutual submission - being pliable, giving way, allowing your preferences to be moulded for the benefit of others.
- Be proactive in being friendly. If you are alone then do something to build relationships with people so that friendship can develop. The church’s job is not to provide friendship but a safe place for friendship to develop. It is your job to be friendly.
- Join a small group and find somewhere to serve so that you have the opportunity to establish relationships. As we do things together, as we share life together, tell our stories, serve each other, pray for each other … companionship and friendship grows.
- Learn some practical skills – respect other people’s lives and boundaries. Be aware of physical space and the effect of body odour, coffee breath and clothes sense. Don’t pester, whinge or gossip. Avoid becoming emotionally dependent on someone or letting them become dependent on you. Learn to be vulnerable and to trust other people.
- Look out for those who are single if you are not. Sometimes they may love to be involved in family events. Odd numbers are OK. Invite each other to the cinema or out for a drink. If you are not married it is OK to date (and let’s not make that a subject of gossip). If you are not dating, make sure there is always a minimum of two of the same sex.
- Look out for opportunities to share households – why do we demand so much individual space?
The other half
Here we go on a hobby horse of mine.
In Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise says, “You complete me”. That's nonsense.
I want to make a special plea to abandon the phrase “my other half”. I find this offensive, inaccurate and theologically deceptive.
As soon as you describe someone as your “better half” you diminish them and yourself by 50%.
And to the single person who overhears, you are saying “you are not a full individual until you are mated with another half person”.
It’s all that is wrong about the way we treat marriage and singleness. It implies inadequacy, something wrong in the single person, that only marriage makes you into a whole person.
Alison is my wife but she is a whole person in her own right, as am I. If you are single you are a whole person in your own right too and your calling is to live for Jesus with passion and commitment making it clear to the world that the kingdom of God grows through spiritual regeneration and that comes first.
In this community we will love and value every individual: married, single, divorced, bereaved, male, female, young, old, black, white. Regardless – you are welcome. Participation in this family is open to you - to join in, to serve, to pray and be prayed for, to lead and to speak, to find friendship.
By the grace and power of the Holy Spirit, we will build the kingdom of God and do life together.PSALM 139:13-16
Ponder on these verses from Psalm 139 - that you are wonderfully made, yes you, single or married.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
This is what I think the Lord would say to you:
“I have some wonderful stuff in store for you. I knew you from the foundations of the earth, whilst you were still in your mother’s womb I knew you and had plans for you. Follow me and just see what fruit there can be from your life, just enjoy what I have called you to in my kingdom, become a father or mother to many spiritual children. Grow the church, rescue the lost, heal the sick, raise up followers of me. Don’t gauge your happiness by how much money you have, the size of your house, your health or skills or even if you are happily married. You and I are on an eternal journey where those things in this short life will become incidental. Now let’s get started.”
David Flowers, 12/06/2011