Heaven on earth - Jesus and the pre-nup
Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 is a beautiful description of the commitment love makes:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring barque
Whose worth’s unknown although his height be taken.
Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Let’s turn to what the Son of God said on the subject!
The Sermon on the mount is an extraordinary and radical statement of ethics – standards for living which are impossible but which are characteristic of the Kingdom of God. Where we see it coming to pass we are seeing Heaven on Earth.
Jesus sits on a rock on a Palestinian hill 2000 years ago and he sees into the hearts and lives of his followers. He starts his inspirational teaching by reminding us that the kingdom is near and that we will find it if we repent. Underpinning this is the invitation into and the crucial importance of relationship.
In Matthew 5:27-37 Jesus deals with the marriage relationship. We find that Jesus doesn’t do pre-nups. He calls us to commitment, relationships and kept promises. The backdrop is the precious, profound and demanding marriage relationship whilst a drama of lust, adultery and divorce unfolds on the stage.
Jesus introduces each statement with the formula: “You have heard it said … but I say…”
This is not to correct the Old Testament bible, to which he may be alluding or even quoting, but to correct the interpretations and applications which his hearers will have been taught. He is saying, “Some teachers have taught you this. But I say this”. It is always important to distinguish between what Jesus is saying and isn’t saying.
Matthew 5:27-37
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality (marital unfaithfulness), causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
V. 27, 28
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Do not commit adultery … anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
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Although lust was thought of as bad by Jews then and Christians today, it was generally thought of as healthy & normal in the secular world – much like today. Our marketing and entertainment depends upon lust.
To lust after someone turns them from a person into an object.
Lust corrodes love and is a destroyer of relationship.
We are meant to love one another. All people are God’s careful and individual creation and our brothers and sisters – we have no right to turn them from being family to being things.
Jesus is connecting the 7th commandment (don’t commit adultery) and the 10th commandment (don’t covet your neighbour’s wife).
It is possible to enforce a law about adultery but it is impossible to enforce a heart issue (lust).
Whereas before the enforcement of this law focussed on the object of lust – the woman caught (or indeed the man) – Jesus turns it on its head and makes lust my responsibility. It is what my eyes do that cause the damage to the relationship. It is my heart that is transparent before God.
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Craig Keener, commentary on Matthew p.118
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Lust is the mother of adultery, the demonic force that allows human beings to justify exploiting one another sexually, at the same time betraying the most intimate of commitments.
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Lust is the deliberate harbouring of desire for an illicit relationship.
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V 29-30
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If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away …
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Does Jesus really mean me to blind myself if I find I have looked at a woman lustfully?
Jesus is using a common rhetorical device of overstatement to make his point - that this is very serious. I don’t think we are actually meant to go stick a pin in our eye – for a start I can lust after someone with one eye quite easily or even with my eyes closed – but we are meant to identify lust as sin and pay the price to repent.
Lust compromises my commitment to Alison.
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V. 33-37
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You have heard it said, “Do not break your oath but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord”. But I tell you, do not swear at all…. Simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. Everything beyond that comes from the evil one.
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Jesus is alluding to the 3rd commandment; do not take the Lord’s name in vain.
The teachers had taught that if you swore by something that was far enough away from God (your left toenail) then you might get away with breaking your promise.
The implication being that there were ways of it being ok to tell lies.
Lies such as making a claim for lost property when you have gone on holiday. Lies such as endorsing a product with your name and reputation when you have no idea whether it is worthy of your smile. Lies such as spinning the truth about someone else.
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Pythagoras
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Let your word carry such conviction that you need not call deities to witness
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Again Jesus agrees and makes a pretty radical challenge to orthodoxy. He is saying, if you are telling the truth you don’t need any oath at all. Keep it simple, stay honest. Do what you say, say what you do.
Because, just as with lust, others may not know but God knows. You may be able to fool another person but you can’t fool him.
Lies compromise my promises to Alison.
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Jesus comments on lust and oaths to frame what he is saying about marriage. Marriage is a relationship based on commitment and kept promises.
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V 31
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It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
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There are half a dozen passages in the bible that comment on divorce. They are not easy to understand so I am going to share with you the conclusion I have reached. As ever, I am telling you what I think not what you should think. I encourage you to go and study this and come to your own conclusion if you find that you don’t like mine!
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I visited my optician the other day trying to get prescription for my bifocal contact lens. I asked the staff there what they thought about divorce. Quick as a flash they responded, “It’s too easy”. “Why you can even get those pre-nuptial agreements which are like saying this isn’t going to last anyway.”
But when I have asked people whose marriages have ended what they think about divorce, none of them have ever said, “It’s too easy.”
Interesting isn’t it? The truth is that it is not difficult to seek a divorce but the experience is horrible and those who have been through it always tell me they would rather not have done it.
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In the secular world of the time (and in many places around the world today) a man could divorce his wife by simply saying “I divorce you” three times. The Jewish practice was a little more demanding in that a husband was required to provide a reason and to give his wife a certificate otherwise it would be impossible for her to marry again – she would be seen as an adulterer and the Jews would execute adulterers. The certificate was proof that she was free to re-marry.
Jesus was correcting an interpretation of the Old Testament which allowed the man to divorce his wife for the least indiscretion. Indeed one Rabbi taught that he could do so if he found his wife wasn’t beautiful enough.
Why not just trade her in each year for a younger and more attractive model?
So Jesus was being characteristically radical in making it illegal to divorce except over something very serious.
Divorce – meant a different thing in biblical times to what it means today. Our legal wedding ceremony and the legal issuing of a decree nisi were unknown then. Indeed the divorce laws we know today were only introduced by Lord Hardwick’s bill in 1753.
So whatever Jesus meant then does not apply to the legal events we recognise. What does he apply them to?
We need to go back to the foundational scripture which defined Jesus’ understanding of marriage.
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The drama on stage touches on lust, lies, adultery and divorce but the setting is a high value of marriage. They are the ugly contrast to the beautiful gift that is marriage.
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Genesis 2:24
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For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
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This verse in Genesis defines marriage as consisting of three things:
1. A man and a woman setting up a new family unit;
2. They commit permanently to one another;
3. They share their entire lives (including sex of course).
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When you can see that these 3 things have broken, the marriage no longer exists – that’s divorce.
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1. They no longer operate as a unit – when they live apart. A hugely painful shift in the way you live your life and especially difficult when children are involved.
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2. The promise of commitment is broken (already broken when there is a pre-nup in place).
Can be adultery but that is not the word Jesus uses here (otherwise he would have used the word moixos (moixos)for adultery which he used twice in the previous verse) although it is often translated like that. The word used is pornea (pornea) from which we get our word pornography. But the meaning here is more general than sex – it means activity/non-activity/misconduct that pollutes or perverts the marital relationship.
Our promise to love our wife (or husband) is one that we are challenged not to break. We are called to love our neighbour, how much more our wife? Of course, to commit adultery breaches that love, and so does violence or abandonment.
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3. A couple are no longer one – over time their lives tear slowly apart. They stop having sex or sharing the bank account. Their priority ceases to be each other and becomes the children or career or hobbies or addictions.
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Jesus’ reflects the biblical view of marriage as a man and a woman leaving parents, setting up a new home together, committing to each other forever and fusing their lives together.
We have added a legal ceremony to the beginning and we acknowledge the end with another legal ceremony. But these are irrelevant to this passage.
Some people have interpreted this passage as meaning that marriages can break apart but that you must not get legally divorced. That is nonsense, the breaking apart is the divorce.
Some say that if you remarry you are committing adultery every day in your new marriage. That is also nonsense.
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If the marriage has broken up the marriage has broken up and no amount of papering over the cracks with legal certificates - or not will change the fact.
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Crispin p.29
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So when is divorce OK?
“A Christian should not contemplate divorce unless there was conduct so serious that it virtually undermined the whole marriage”.
Ken Crispin, Divorce, the unforgiveable sin
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Jesus is saying in these verses that marriage is too important to be thrown away like a soiled rag if things aren’t working as you please and for that to be justified with a piece of paper.
He calls us to stop undermining marital relationships (ours or anyone else’s) with lust and lies. He calls us to commitment, to kept promises and to relationship.
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“Marriage and love are for the tough-minded. Marriage is commitment; and far from backing out when the going gets rough, marriage partners are to sort out their difficulties in the light of Scripture. They are to hang in there, improving their relationship, working away at it, precisely because they have vowed before God and man to live together and love each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness as in health, until death separates them. Love is the determined commitment to seek the other’s good, to cherish, shelter, nurture, edify and show patience”.
Don Carson, The Sermon on the Mount
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I have yet to meet someone who has gone through a marriage break-up without hating every minute. The tearing apart of two people who had committed themselves to each other and taken the emotional, physical and psychological risk of intense intimacy cannot be anything but appallingly painful.
But if one (or both) parties to the marriage have irretrievably undermined the relationship to such an extent that what was forged together has been prised apart, there comes a time when you have to recognise that there has been a divorce.
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V. 31, 32
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My paraphrase
“It has been said that it is OK to end a marriage provided you give your wife a certificate of divorce so that she doesn’t get stoned when she tries to get re-married.
But I tell you that anyone who breaks up from his wife (or husband), unless she (or he) has completely undermined your marital relationship, is committing adultery”.
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Marriages that are OK
Do not take this for granted. A lifetime of living together takes you through good times and bad times. In the good times invest carefully in your relationship.
1. No pre-nups
2. Recognise the phases
3. Say sorry often – forgive quickly
4. Find someone who will check in on your marriage
5. Don’t compare the market. I.e. it’s not healthy to compare notes with your spouse about how attractive other people are.
6. Find out and speak their love language
7. Don’t withhold sex
8. Run a joint bank account
9. Make premeditated principled decisions
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Marriages that are struggling
Some of you are struggling in your marriage – and in some cases your spouse doesn’t even know. You may be living in a swirl of emotions and pain. What happened to the guy who rang every day, brought me flowers and wanted to talk? What happened to the girl who put so much effort into looking good and who wanted to hold me?
1. Repent, receive forgiveness
2. Pray for your spouse
3. Get realistic, it’s not perfect and she is never going to change some annoying habits
4. Decide to make a go of it
5. Start a conversation about the issue but mainly listen
6. Make sacrifices, especially to make time for sex
7. Don’t go it alone, get help, be open with someone. Don’t make decisions on your own – you are not thinking straight and will be making decisions in a place of fear and shame
8. Leave no stone unturned, pay any price, do everything you possibly can to rescue the marriage
9. Having done what you can and what is possible, ask God to do what you can’t and what is not possible
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Marriages that are broken
1. You are welcome
2. You are not alone
3. Repent – whatever the circumstances we all bear some responsibility for our marital brokenness
4. Receive forgiveness
5. It’s time for the church to be family. Along with bereavement, financial loss and redundancy this is precisely the time when you need to be surrounded by the community of faith. There is nothing the enemy wants more than to isolate you at a time when you are injured.
6. Take advice. You are in pain – not a good point at which to make big decisions such as launching into a new relationship, changing jobs, moving house or church
That crucial human relationship we call marriage is made up of two human beings who:
1. will make mistakes and
2. have free will.
Every marriage here will go through rough patches when you make mistakes and when you have to repent, repair and forgive.
But your marriage may have been undermined and broken by your spouse despite everything you could do to save it. They have exercised their free will and can choose to break their promise and renege on their commitment.
As far as I am concerned, if you have done everything you can to rescue your marriage, then you are not guilty of adultery and are free to leave and perhaps try again.
But whatever state you are in – even where you have made mistakes and have been responsible for undermining the marriage commitment - It is important you know God’s grace and mercy extends to you too. Jesus died to forgive sins and that includes sins within marriage breakups.
You are loved with an everlasting love and accepted with unconditional favour. Receive his forgiveness.
Matthew 5:27-37
This passage is all about relationship, promises and commitment. Relationship is at the heart of the Christian faith. Modelled supremely in Jesus’ relationship with God and the Holy Spirit but demonstrated conclusively in God’s desire for relationship with each of us. Jesus commits himself in relationship to us without pre-nups, no plan B, no exit route.
Through his sacrifice we will share relationship with him forever, whatever.
Marriage is based on that same high commitment and kept promises. That’s why every marriage is so important and why the break-up of marriage is something against which we all need to fight.
Within marriage the world gets a glimpse of relationship formed in heaven – it is a glimpse of heaven on earth.
David Flowers
20 March 2011
Weekly worship
Ralph Thoresby
David Flowers, 20/03/2011